Auntie Sadist column for Dungeon Digest (A planned publication that did not publish. I sent out a call for questions in late 2001, compiled these entries which did not see publication.)

Column: Apr. 2002

Dear Auntie Sadist,

I was curious about references. I have been in this situation where I asked several people for a reference on a top. I was given ok's from a few people. Then I played with the top for a few months and several noncensensual acts happened. I don't play with that person anymore but when I talked so some of the same people who gave references they told me they had heard this person was like that. I asked why they didn't tell me at the beginning? They said they didn't like to spread gossip. If this is the case, are references of any value? What do I do to insure players are safe?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

Sadly, this does happen. It's difficult at times to make a good call on what to say about another person when you haven't played with them. It's one reason why I would suggest that you only get references from people who have actually played with the person you are trying to reference.

Everyone tries to do their best when it comes to references. It's hard to decide whether or not you are passing on gossip, poor information or someone's truth. My best advice is to still reference with people who have played, ask for the gossip as well as the honestly known, and to trust your common sense. You need to ask the person you wish to play with clear questions about their practices. Also, let them know up front what are deal breakers and what transgressions will make you leave.

Lady Catherine

Column: May 2002

Dear Auntie Sadist,
I don't understand how Master/slave relationships aren't abusive. Who would want to give up so much control of their lives? Isn't someone who gives over all that control just someone who is coping out and doesn't know how to make decisions in their own life?

SSC in Atlanta

Dear SSC,
While some relationships are abusive, engaging in a powerful agreement regarding what issues in one’s life may or may not be controlled is not abusive. If you look at how most people come to their play with sensation, generally they begin with many no's. A year or so later, many of those no's don't exist any longer. Most folks expand their limits in order to investigate themselves and live their lives more fully. Master/slave relationships are no different. Relationships evolve, change and grow into relationships that may include more direction, command and control. In this growth, it is appropriate to exert a greater extent of control. It's mutual, healthy and simply part of a normal growth process. When you see it, it may look as if it came about all at once because it currently exists. However, generally that is not the case. It is an evolved state that is mutually agreed upon. slaves tend to be strong individuals who absolutely can make good decisions. Making good decisions is part of their everyday life. They choose and direct forward progress within the parameters set by their Master in order to serve well. I don't believe that anyone who is weak of mind could possibly last long in a Master/slave relationship. Therefore, if they have made a commitment to be in a M/s relationship, you need to trust that they are making a good decision for themselves. You need to trust that this apparently is what they want and need even if you don’t understand or share the same needs.
Lady Catherine

Column: Jun. 2002

Dear Auntie Sadist,
I've heard a lot of talk about how submissives should be humble. I don't understand this? Why isn't it ok to be confident about what you know and how you do it?
boy andrew

Dear boy andrew,
It is ok to be confident in your skills. It's a wonderful offering to a top. Confidence is fabulous and necessary to perform well. However, humility is essential also. When you aren't humble, you generally aren't accessible to people. It closes off your openness and generally comes across as arrogant. Arrogance and thinking that you are a better boy than others is not only impolite but highly unattractive.

Being humble also allows you to be open to the many things you may learn from others. There is always room for improvement. Find a lovely balance between self-confidence and knowing you don’t know it all. It will also help when receiving direction and assist you by you having less attachment to believing there is only one right way to do things. A dose of moderate humility and solid confidence will keep you in good standing and allow others to easily admire you.
Lady Catherine

Column: Jul. 2002

Dear Auntie Sadist,
I am very interested in learning proper protocol. Could you please suggest where I might find resources to learn?
R.

Dear R,
The best advice I can give to you is to read etiquette books. These books will provide you with good manners and etiquette rituals that translate to most situations. Learning protocol in regards to the SM communities is exceedingly difficult because of the nature of what protocol is. Protocol is a set of rules governing behavior between persons engaging in a power dynamic based relation. It is an individually chosen set of behaviors specific to each and every relationship. There is not one set of rules or one correct set of protocols that will translate to a universal protocol. However, I suggest always reading play party etiquette rules as they will give you a good lay of the land.

If you generally don’t touch someone else’s toys (including the human variety), don’t speak loudly near their scene, and ask questions regarding their personal guidelines, this will generally be sufficient.
Lady Catherine

Column: Aug. 2002

Dear Auntie Sadist,
I have a girl who does not always do as I tell her to do. We've been in a relationship for almost two years now and everything seems to be downhill. I have tried physical punishment, talking to her and explaining to her what she's supposed to do. Sometimes there's improvement for a while and then things go back to being as they were. What can I do to get back the good girl I once had?

Answer:
I would run a check list. Do you keep consistant boundaries? Do you set these boundaries for behavior with clear consequences that actually happen? Have you listened to your girl in regards of what she believes she needs? Have you clearly told your girl what you expect from her in regards to tasks/behavior/etc.? Is she truly able emotionally and physically to fulfill your wishes? Are you truly able to fulfill her needs?

Generally, if someone is misbehaving is it because they are unhappy, unfulfilled, or perhaps it is because they do not have a clear understanding of what is expected of them. What is it that she seeks or needs? What is she attempting to get from you from this behavior?

When you have the answers to these questions, you should have a clearer picture. Sometimes, there is only one bottom line. She either chooses to submit or not. She either wants what you have to offer or not. You either want what she has to offer or not. If she cannot be happy with what you are willing to offer, or you can't be happy with what she is willing to offer-- cut the relationship loose so both of you may find satisfaction elsewhere or change your relationship so both of you can experience fulfillment.
Lady Catherine

Column: Sep. 2002

Dear Auntie Sadist,
I've been fascinated by voice training. I hear a lot about this but really know very little of how it's done. So how does training typically get done? Role play? I can't picture how this would work. Can you describe a training scenario(s) to me? Also, does training happen because the Top doesn't like how the bottom speaks? Is that why this type of training is done?

Training is done through context, situations, and one on one practice. One must learn to listen carefully, to understand the impact of the spoken word and tone. One must study language, it's general impact, vocal tones and general emotional responses to types of tone. One must play with one’s voice, trying to match your teacher’s examples as they teach tone, delivery and such.

This training doesn't happen because there is a problem. It happens because it is a natural part of the journey when you are being trained for service and interactive purposes. Communication is powerful and one must learn how to use it to one's best advantage from all perspectives. It also completes a refined picture of a servant who moves well, serves seamlessly and is able to speak in a pleasing manner without grappling with language.

Training is inclusive of judgement training. One must learn how to evaluate scenarios intellectually, emotionally, practically and specifically. This is how you choose the voice in a split second. One may be trained on the spot, mimicry of vocal tones may be used, role play could be used as you suggested, reading and research. The final outcome will be a servant who can appropriately modulate their voice to communicate gratitude, need, urgency, etc. with an appropriate tone, volume and articulate delivery.

Lady Catherine

Column: Oct. 2002

Dear Auntie Sadist,
I'm relatively new to the scene. A friend has invited me to my first play party. I'm not sure what the do's and don't are and would appreciate some tips.
L :::new, nervous and excited::::

Dear L,
I commend you on your question. It's admirable to educate yourself prior to attending a gathering. Here are my do's and don'ts.
Ask people how they wish to be addressed if you do not know. Do not assume as you never know how someone identifies or their preferences. Don't touch anyone's toys (that includes the breathing toys too!). Many players are proprietary regarding their toys as they can be so personal. Don't interrupt a scene or get too close (4 feet is a good distance to stay if the party is crowded, 5 feet if it isn't crowded) to an ongoing scene. Do not speak loudly near a scene.

Remember that simply because a whip is no longer in use and the physical aspects of a scene have ended, the scene isn't necessarily over until those involved begin to social again. Give them space to wind down.
If you see something that concerns you ask a DM or simply walk away if it isn't pleasing to you as a voyeur. Never interrupt a scene to question the top. If you'd like to ask a top a question after a scene, feel free to do so.

Many tops are generous and will be happy to answer your question. However, if you ask a top to teach you something, it is good manners to offer something in return for what you have been given. Sometimes something as simple as getting them a glass of water is sufficient. Clean up after yourself. You should always leave a space how you found it. If someone is eyeing dungeon equipment you are perhaps sitting on, ask if they wish to use it to play and let them know you'd be happy to move so they may do so. Thank your hosts-this goes a long way to fostering an invitation for the next party. If you're shy and don't know how to meet people, offer to help and this will not only endear you to your hosts but provide you an opportunity to meet people. Use thank you, please, and may I often. Politeness may even get you noticed.

And most importantly-- Don't forget to have a wonderfully decadent time!
Lady Catherine

Column: Nov. 2002

Dear Auntie Sadist,

I’ve been around for about a year or so and I’d like to start buying toys. I want to make sure that I buy good quality toys. How do I choose a good flogger?

T.H.

Dear T. H.

First you want to examine the material the falls are made from. Falls are the “tails” that we use to strike. Make sure it’s rich, will hold up to stress and evenly cut ends. Make sure the handle is tightly woven also. You want to check the balancing of the tool. The handles weight should be the same weight of the falls. You check this by extending your index finger and laying the handle across your finger. The falls hang down towards the floor with the knot that secures them to one side of your finger and the handle should extend horizontally from your finger making a perfect L. If it makes this L shape then this flogger is perfectly in balance and well made from that standpoint.

When you look at the end of each fall, if they are blunt cut they will be thuddy. The sharper the angle they are cut at the stingier they will feel. Try swinging the toy so you can hit your own back or thigh to make sure it feels good. Also make sure the thickness of the handle is one that will fit in your hand where your fingers slightly overlap. It should be comfortable and not too heavy or light for you.

Our community has many fine flogger crafters, I’ll sure you’ll be able to find the one (or more!) that will be just perfect for you.