First printed in Queer Ramblings January 2005 Issue

When we talk about the skill sets of tops or bottoms, why aren't we talking about how neatly tops/bottoms keep their house, their person, and their finances? Do we talk about how they keep their word? Sure. But does that translate to them being on time? Does it translate to our assessment of them as a reliable person?

I would expect a good top to not merely be well skilled but polite, grateful, and humble. I would expect the same of a bottom. On one occasion I had dinner with several people from across the country, they were discussing a fairly well known top. They respected her skill sets, however, not a single one of them respected how she behaves as a person. This particular top is rarely on time for any social engagement. People at the table began to add up the time they had spent in restaurants or elsewhere waiting on her. Others spoke of how she is very warm to them at one event and will blow them off at another event. I sat and listened to the conversation. The more people shared, the more willing they were to reveal how uncomfortable this made them and how some of them have had their feelings hurt. Not one person at the table mentioned speaking to her about this; I finally asked why no one had told her how this feels to them. Twelve people came to a unanimous agreement on one thing within sixty seconds-because she was so self-involved that it would not do any good and she's just that way.

I happen to think this particular top has a good, loyal heart. However, I cannot report being treated any better by her.

The conversation turned to why any of us would accept such behavior or treatment- much less refer to her as a friend. It was a short conversation. The consensus was that she behaved this way because others allowed it and they didn't quite know how to stop it. She was an example of a top exhibiting rude behavior with an attitude of entitlement couched in the delivery of a six year old. The consensus was that she got away with this behavior due to her skills and her ability to decry anyone she dislikes loudly.

I asked this table of teachers and well skilled individuals if they would accept such behavior in the vanilla world. Would they continue the friendship? The resounding answer was no and yet many of them continue to call her a friend. I no longer will call this top for social calls. I no longer wait alone at dinner tables for her to show up late. I don't bother.

It all sounds so simple. However, I have found more and more people who are unwilling to say no for fear of being left out, left alone, or gossiped about unkindly. For me, divorcing my life standards from my SM is unacceptable. Compromising or allowing others/tops/bottoms to treat you with anything less than respect and the common courtesy they might give a stranger is unacceptable.

If you're going to explore SM, BDSM, dominance, submission, or any type of relationship, take your life skills with you. Don't accept any behavior that disrespects you. Be appreciated for the glorious person you are and live fully accepting only those who back up their talk with their walk. Evaluate your potential top's or bottom's ability to organize their life, arrive in a timely manner, keep their finances clean, maintain a good job, and behave courteously. These are life skill sets and life should not be divorced from SM.

Some new people come into the scene believing that SM is such a different world that everything they learned about choosing people wisely goes out the window. SM is merely one interest among many for those who choose to play. If you're going to investigate, or play on a regular basis, don't forget to take everything you have learned about living and people with you. Hold your values in regard and allow only those people to become friends who share your standards. It is the only way to engage in long term fulfilling relationships that honor all of who you are as a person.

By Catherine Gross

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First printed in Queer Ramblings January 2005 Issue